In this case, your jealousy is a symptom of something else, and it’s not the main issue. Your jealousy should go away once the two of you talk about what’s going on with your relationship. This kind of jealousy might be caused by a decline in communication, an increase in conflict, or a sudden drop in signs of affection or physical intimacy.
In this instance, your jealousy is well-founded and it’s fair to address the behavior directly, even if your girlfriend meant no harm by whatever she was doing This doesn’t automatically mean that your girlfriend is doing something wrong (although that may be the case). Try to talk about the behavior without saying she’s doing something bad. [4] X Expert Source Jessica George, MA, CHtCertified Professional Master Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. This can happen if your girlfriend is spending a ton of time with a friend, or if she doesn’t text you back for days at a time, for example.
If your occasional feelings of jealousy aren’t actively harming your relationship and your girlfriend isn’t doing anything especially nefarious to trigger these feelings, this is probably the ideal option. [7] X Expert Source Jessica George, MA, CHtCertified Professional Master Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. This kind of jealousy might include questions in your head, like, “What if I’m not good enough?” You may also feel this way if you see your girlfriend smile at another guy or girl, or if she has an attractive friend you don’t know all that well.
If your relationship is relatively new, this might be the best option. Expressing feelings of jealousy early on in a relationship can scare your partner off. These insecurities can often come from a lack of self-love and a lack of self-confidence. [10] X Expert Source Lisa ShieldDating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
Jealousy isn’t always logical, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Talking to your girlfriend can help you work through feelings of jealousy, even if they’re coming from a place of insecurity.
You might say, “Hey, can we talk about something? It’s not the end of the world or anything, but something has been bugging me lately. ” Do this in person so that you can read her body language and interpret her tone appropriately. It’s too easy to misunderstand one another over the phone or via text.
“I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time around Jason lately, and I’m not accusing you of anything, but it’s been kind of bothering me. ” “I know it’s not real, but I’ve been having these jealous feelings recently. I know it’s not your fault or anything, but I just want to let you know. ” In a lot of cases, jealousy can stem from a fundamental sense of misunderstanding between partners. [16] X Expert Source Lisa ShieldDating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
“I was hoping we could talk about how we communicate when we’re spending a lot of time away from one another. ” “I have had bad experiences in the past and I know it makes me kind of twitchy sometimes. I just want you to understand that I need extra support sometimes. ”
“Is it possible that we can text or check in with one another on nights where we’re hanging out with friends?” “I know it’s not super fair to you, but I’d really appreciate it if I got some reassurance and reminders that we’re in a good place every now and then. ”
She may try to explain herself, or ask why her behavior bothers you so much. She might ask about whether you have a tendency of being jealous in past relationships, or how she can best alleviate the way you feel. If she gets upset, phrases like, “I’m not trying to attack you or blame you,” and, “I care about you a lot and this isn’t a criticism,” can do a lot to deescalate the tension.
For example, it’s okay to say something like, “I know it’s not real, but I get it in my head that you’re not attracted to me, or that you’re still dating your ex. I know I have no reason to not trust you, but I get paranoid sometimes. ” It isn’t okay to say, “You’re cheating on me,” or, “I can’t trust you. ” This is just going to lead to conflict and hurt feelings.
When you don’t find anything, you aren’t going to think, “Oh, there’s no reason to be jealous after all!” You’re going to think, “I just haven’t found the evidence I need yet. ” You’ll also feel guilty if you don’t find anything. Regardless of how you swing it, snooping will make you feel worse. [22] X Research source Believe it or not, it’s usually illegal to do this, as well. If you want to avoid a whole bunch of headaches, don’t do this. [23] X Research source
For example, “It’s important to me to feel loved, and I’d appreciate it if you told me you care about me more often if that’s okay,” is a totally reasonable to thing to say. Something like, “You have to tell me you care about me more often,” is not a fair or valid request.
It’s okay to tell your partner about your past to give her the context for why you feel this way. However, your partner may interpret this to be a sign that you aren’t over your ex if you bring them up super often.
If you’re jealous that your partner is hanging out with another guy, it might be a sign that you’re not secure or trustworthy in your relationship. If you’re jealous because you think you aren’t good enough, or your partner doesn’t like you, it could mean that you need to work on your confidence and self-esteem. If your jealousy is based on previous experience, it might be a sign that you’ve got some trauma to work through, or you need therapy.
Mindfulness exercises, like meditation or yoga can help you re-center yourself and improve your emotional wellbeing.
This is also a super helpful way to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy forms of jealousy. Writing about the way you’re feeling is a great way to put what you’re experiencing into words so that you can push back on it.
If you don’t want to get professional help, talking about this with a friend or family member can help you spot the errors in your thinking.
